Horrible Children's Toys That Will Haunt Your Dreams



2017-01-16 14:56:57

For over a century, toy companies around the world made it their mission to take the things nightmares are made of and sell them to children. Here are ten vintage toys that definitely move by themselves when you're not looking...

10) Hugo: Man of a Thousand Faces (Kenner, 1975)

In theory, the idea behind Hugo great – a puppet you could disguise in dozens of different ways. In reality, every single one of those ways was nightmarish.

The pictures on the box resemble a police line-up in which everyone is guilty of something horrible, featuring the kind of faces that chase you down the dirty alleyways of your dreams.

But by far the creepiest thing is the photo on the toy’s Wikipedia entry, in which Hugo appears to be alive and conducting a television interview – presumably about all his terrible crimes.

9) Little Miss No Name (Hasbro, 1965)

If you had a Little Miss No Name doll as a kid, you didn’t so much play with her as you were haunted by her.

She would loom in the corner of the room like the ghost of drowned 19th century child, her hand outstretched as if beckoning you to come and play with her at the bottom of a well.

If this doll hadn’t really existed, someone on Creepypasta would have had to invent it.

8) Ronald McDonald (Hasbro, 1978)

Not only does he have the blank-eyed smile of an unrepentant serial killer, but there’s a creepy tone to the slogan on the box that suggests Ronald is enjoying himself a little too much.

“Hug him, his whistle blows...pull the string, Grimace shows!” That sounds like prison slang to me.

If “water squirts out of his flower” I’m calling the police.

7) Emmet Kelly doll (Baby Barry Toys, 1950s)

Whereas Ronald looks like he’d slaughter you for fun, Emmet Kelly looks like he’d do it for about $10 and a sandwich.

Based on the famous real-life television hobo clown, this was the world’s first doll that smelt of rye whisky and doorways.

6) Lil Winking Herby Hippy (Remco, 1968)

“Mom, my Herbie Hippy doll won’t stop winking at me!”

“He’s supposed to do that honey.”

“And he keeps talking about something called ‘Helter Skelter’ and trying to make me take acid, is he supposed to do that too?”

5) Whistling Spooky Kooky Tree (Marx, 1960s)

“When you go down to the woods today, you’re in for a big surprise!

Because all the trees will come to life, and try to pull out your eyes.”

4) Jack in a Box (Victorian)

Jack in a Box toys are supposed to pop out and make you jump. This Victorian monstrosity looks like it would slowly open the lid, pull itself wheezing up onto the side of the box, stare at you for a good thirty seconds, and say “Well, what do we have here?” whilst licking its lips.

Into the side of the box are carved the words: “What wonder Miss/May be in this? Make me free and You'll see.”

That was also originally going to be the message written on the Lament Configuration box in Hellraiser, before Clive Barker decided it was just too creepy.  

3) Musical Jolly Chimp (Daishin, 1960s)

If you took the very concept of ‘insanity’ and somehow turned it into a physical object, it would look exactly like the Daishin ‘Musical Jolly Chimp’.

That monkey has stared into the void and seen things that would make H.P Lovecraft lose his breakfast.

All he can do now to block out the voices in his head, the voices telling him to do terrible things, is to keep playing the cymbals for ever...and ever...and ever...

Because when the cymbals stop, the killing begins.

2) Dapper Dan toy ventriloquist dummy (1930s)

Watching a grown man speak to a puppet as if it’s alive is sickening enough.

But by giving a ventriloquist dummy to a child, you’re essentially saying “Go and spend some time talking to yourself in a different voice with a tiny creepy man sat on your lap.”

Also, it’s been scientifically proven that 78% of all ventriloquist dummies come to life at night with murderous intent so if you die by his tiny hand it’s your own fault.

1) Every antique doll ever

Interior, night:

A young girl is being led out of the house by police officers, past the blood-drenched, headless bodies of her family. “But it wasn’t me!” she cries, “It was the doll! You have to believe me! The doll did it all!”

Cut to THIS face.

Fade to black.

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